The PenOpticon

Woe is us. A few weeks ago Skyler Bartels had an idea. The Des Moins, Iowa college student decided he would inspire himself as a writer by spending a week in the bowels of a 24×7 Wal-Mart. Fitted out with only with a debit card and a toothbrush, Bartels was consumed by Wal-Mart for a mere 41 hours before he was spit back out for a second chance at life. This story is remarkable precisely because it is not a story at all, though it has been replicated in hundreds of news outlets around the globe. Even Bartels remarked that he thought the exercise was a failure until he spoke to the Des Moines Register. And then the networks began to call. As did National Public Radio. And a book agent. And a film company. So was the Wal-Mart experiment a success? Can Bartels take his rightful place within the celebrity pantheon because during March Break he spent 41 hours in a store, watched Chicken Run and took a nap in the garden center? Or was it a failure because it was inane, pointless and boring? Or will it be considered a success if it engenders a book or a movie or an interview with Oprah? If Bartels’ stunt can be compared to placing a canary in a coal mine, it appears that he survived this 41-hour ordeal quite nicely. However, the fact that such an an experiment was even attempted is proof that something vital in us has failed and may already be dying. Or dead. So woe is us. And woe is U.S.

Since Stephen Colbert inspired us to think about the meaning of “truthiness”, I wanted to be the first to introduce the word “fairlessness”. You never know when a word like this may come in handy, but what does it mean? In order to be fairless, one must be fearless about being less than fair. In other words, if you would be fairless, you must blatantly call for, or enact, unfair laws, principles and polices in the name of fairness. Fairlessness abounds in our world, and when ever someone begins a sentence with “We all have to make sacifices…” or “In order to create a level playing field…”, you know that you will soon be up to your knees in fairlessness. At least now you have a name for it.

Fairless, adj: describing the quality of being fearless about being less than fair.

Mar 25, 2006, PenOpticon News - The White House refused to confirm or deny rumors that President George W. Bush is descended from John Alexander Dowie, the controversial evangelist who stormed America with Biblical force in the latter years of the 19th century. According to Dr. Russell Newcome, Dowie was the great uncle of George Herbert Walker Bush. “Dowie founded the town of Zion, Illinois in 1901 and employed Biblical principles to perform thousands of miracles in Chicago”, Newcome told the PenOpticon. “He set up numerous Healing Homes in that city during the 1893 World’s Fair and is said to have even cured Buffalo Bill Cody’s niece. By the end of the Fair, there were sightings of Angels flying over Chicago and Dowie began to appear in public as the prophet Elijah.” Though Dowie’s ideas were radical, they may have paved the way for Bush’s faith-based agenda. [Full story at www.penopticon.com]

This “vision” came to me in a dream last night, so I decided I just had to oust the night demons by making this montage. You would have to open the full-size version to decode all of the faces, but here is the basic idea: Tony Blair has been mounted on the wall in a permanent grimace and stares at W, wondering what will happen next. My Prime Minister (Stephen Harper) grins sheepishly at his idol. Like a deer caught in the headlights, our big-headed barkeep stares at deadeye Dick. Guess what Dick is thinking about? God I hope I hope I hope I hope none of this is true.

So Tony Blair is trying to convince himself that he did the right thing by toadying up to George Bush and committing British troops to Iraq and Afghanistan. As reported in CNN:

“If we want to secure our way of life, there is no alternative but to fight for it,” he told a joint sitting of the Australian parliament in Canberra on Monday.

Well Tony, “our way of life” seems to be different all over the world. In Afghanistan, mainstream clerics and citizens want to execute a Muslim because he converted to Christianity. George is “troubled” by this. Condi calls President Karzai to explain the unacceptablilty of the situation. In that same country, village elders smiled and chatted with Canadian soldiers and then dispersed instantly (and knowingly?), when a young rebel ran out and slammed an axe into a Canadian soldier’s head. And yet:

…in the struggle to defend global values, Blair said there was no prosperity without security, and no security without justice. He said a global alliance should be pushing to defend universal values wherever they were under threat.

Here’s the thing. There are no universal values of justice. We can’t even enact and apply laws equally and justly within our own countries. Don’t pretend that bringing democracy to Iraq or Afghanistan or any other country is an altruistic gift that has no political or economic — or cultural — strings attached. Don’t pretend that you are not filled with blind arrogance and a firm belief that your values, laws, god and way of life are superior to those of the countries you invade.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that any country that tries to run itself according to the laws of a medieval (or older) religion is a ridiculous enterprise that, when left to itself, will only lead to bloodshed and failure. But such countries should be permited to work out their problems without our “help”. Unfortunately, when European and North American interests interfere, the misery of these failing states is usually prolonged. The only way to help is for the keepers of these “universal values” to stop selling arms and chemicals.

George and Tony: if you insist on spreading universal values, call it for what it is: an attempt to forcfully stamp Judeo-Christian-Capitalist values on every other culture on the planet. After all, the New York Times reports that Bush “was determined to invade Iraq without the second resolution, or even if international arms inspectors failed to find unconventional weapons” according to a confidential memo written by David Manning, Blair’s top foreign policy adviser.

Will Iran be the next country to bend over to be freedomized by George and Tony?