The PenOpticon

I like Jon Stewart as much as the next person. Actually, I probably enjoy Jon Stewart wayyy more than you do. But apparently there are some who hold Stewart in higher esteem than I thought possible. For a bit of a chuckle, you should check out www.JonStewartIsGod.Com, a site devoted to the notion that Jon Stewart is God and they’ve got an  “immaculate” devotional song to prove it.

One problem with promoting Jon Stewart to God is the fact that we already know that Joe Pesci is god — according to George Carlin — and is worthy of our prayers. In his brilliant monologue on religion, Carlin notes that he personally worships the sun, but prays to Joe Pesci. Here’s why:

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit’s foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

I think Carlin has it right: worship the sun, but pray to Joe Pesci or just about anyone and anything — including Jon Stewart. In any case, I doubt that Stewart and Pesci will duke it out to see who is really the Supreme Being. But wouldn’t that be something?