The PenOpticon

I was quietly (for a change) optimistic that Elizabeth May might carry the day for the Greens in last Monday’s London North byelection. Although Liberal candidate, Glen Pearson won, the Green’s second place showing represented a dramatic increase in support relative to past elections. But in our first-across-the-post electoral system, “relative” is all that really matters, isn’t it?  The fact is, only 42.8% of the riding’s voters even bothered to show up to vote, despite the fact that this was one of the most hotly contested, broadly covered byelections in recent memory. Every party, including the Greens ponied up in a big way to try to get the vote out. What, pray tell, did those 50,000 North Londonites do while they were not voting last Monday?

By staying away in droves, the election was handed to Glen Pearson with just 15% of the pool of possible votes. While the Greens are making hay out of the fact they garnered 25.9% of the tally, the reality is that only 9% of the riding actually cast a vote for Elizabeth May, despite the fact that the GPC mounted a good strong fight, with volunteers spread across the country phoning London North voters while an army of canvassers criss-crossed the riding.

I’m as cynical about our majoritarian electoral system as anyone, but this is all we’ve got right now. Since the people we put in power occasionally send us to die to “protect our way of life” and to “guarantee our freedom”, the least a person of voting age can do is to show up and mark an X when the time comes.

Clearly, it’s time we changed the election act to require our citizens to vote and to levy fines against those who don’t bother. Australia has such a system and averages a 95% turnout. It has been noted that mandatory voting results in a larger number of spoiled ballots and may actually skew the results in favour of liberal-leaning parties by bringing out larger numbers of “the poor and disenfranchised” [Slate].  So what! At least after voting, the poor will no longer be disenfranchised. Mandatory voting won’t necessarily give us better government, but everyone will share equally in blame for whatever government we elect.

When I started writing this blog some ten months ago, I told myself this is just a practice area — a place away from work to play with words and ideas. I was not trying to solve the world’s problems. I was not trying to right all wrongs, though I did hope to praise the just and satirize the guilty. I expected to have few readers and sadly that expectation has been exceeded.

But I lied. O how i lied. Like Ralph Philips, a minor Looney Toons character from the fifties, I daydreamed myself into dozens of blogging adventures — ranting about Afghanistan, raving about nuclear power and roaring about the Green Party. But it turns out I have not simply been playing — I care deeply about these things and want to make the world right. Typing away in front of this computer screen, with a cup of fair trade coffee at my side, I’ve had a few Walter Mitty-like moments where I thought I was making a difference. But we all know that’s load of bull cookies (as the venerable Colonel Sherman T. Potter used to say).

The problem with world problems is that there are so damn many of them. Even if young Ralph Philips could keep the world safe, he’d spend the rest of his days playing global Whack-a-Mole, battling insurgents here, terrorists there and global warming everywhere. Even when I push the blog cart down the aisles and toss fresh issues into the basket, they often go bad on me before I have a chance to fully cook ‘em. And so I’ve ended up with a growing list of half-baked blog entries:

• Beware of Run and Cut Politicians
• The Past and Future of the David Dunlap Observatory
• Harper replaces Kyoto promises with false premises
• Afghanistan: You’ve Never Seen Everything
• The Perils of Expanding the Canadian Forces
• How the “Will of God” Cheapens Human Life
• The Nuclear Greening of Ontario?

The obvious truth is that I have neither the time nor the skill nor the patience to type the world’s problems away. But damn it, Jim — that’s what I wanna do. Type the world’s problems away. It could be worse. I grew up watching Looney Tunes and always had a soft spot for little Ralph Philips. The kid gets grounded by his mom but quickly escapes via his overactive imagination to save the world from aliens in a most spectacular way. But the reality of Ralph, according to Toonpedia is that he “never appeared in comic books, on lunch boxes, or in any other venue. He’s such a minor character, he wasn’t even with the rest of the Warner Bros. toons in Space Jam“. Hmmm… sounds a lot like me!

Ok, it could be a lot worse. In recent months another Ralph Phillips made the headlines. Ralph “Buck” Phillips escaped from prison last April and played a deadly game of Whack-a-Mole with with upstate New Yorkers by popping up in dozens of towns, hiding out in state forests and shooting three New York state troopers (one fatally). He was finally caught on Sept 8th, 2006. This Ralph was 44, old enough to have watched the same fictional Ralph Phillips that many of us grew up with. Now that Ralph “Buck” Phillips is back in prison (aka grounded), I want to know how he will escape in his dreams. Or maybe I don’t. I’ll just keep typing along my own merry, deluded path.

Comm Ralph to General Staff. Comm Ralph to General Staff. Routine report. Martians captured. World Safe. Over

One of strangest stories of the week has got to be the take-down of a 50-foot home-made submarine that was laden with 3 tons of cocaine. According to an Associated Press report, the vessel, which was made of fiberglass and wood was spotted cruising at 7 mph, while submerged just 6-feet under the surface. Four “crew” were found inside, breathing through plastic pipes which poked up out of the water. The craft was found near Cocos Island, some 550 km from Costa Rica.

Amazingly, this is not the first time home-made subs have been used to transport illegal drugs. Last August, an empty 33-foot long craft was found floating off the coast of Spain. In March, the Columbian navy seized a 60-foot long submarine that was used to carry drugs north along the Pacific coast. And, finally, in December 2005, Columbian police discovered a half-built submarine in a warehouse in the capital Bogota. Hmmm. Why would anyone build a 30-metre sub in a city that is 2,250 metres above sea level. This one was found with a stack of Russian documents and was guarded by closed circuit TV cameras.

Now where would such a crazy idea come from? In 2001, Sturla Gunnarsson directed a small gem of a film called Rare Birds, staring William Hurt, Andy Jones and Molly Parker. If you like birds, you’ll love this film. If the mere concept of birders and birding puts you off, you may enjoy this movie even more. One of the film’s deliciously crazy subplots involves Andy Jone’s character, Phonce. He plays an eccentric inventor with an underground workshop that contains at least half a ton of salvaged cocaine and the recreational submarine he has been building for years. Phonce is finally ready to test the sub — he just needs William Hurt to stumble onto the scene to become a co-conspirator.

So there you have it: cocaine and submarines. Another great Canadian idea. It’s a fact.

For the past week or so, I’ve been visiting a family of Hooded Mergansers at Stong Pond, in the middle of York University’s Keele Campus. You can walk around and around the pond to get a closer view, but these guys will calmly move to the opposite side to keep a safe distance from anyone with a camera. Even when geese and mallards crash and slosh around in the same pond, these tough ducks just mosey along in a zen-like state. I’m not sure how tasty the fish in Stong Pond are, but these ducks spend quite a bit of time under water, looking for food. According to the Cornell ornithological lab:

The Hooded Merganser finds its prey underwater by sight. The merganser can actually change the refractive properties of its eyes to enhance its underwater vision. In addition, the nictating membrane (third eyelid) is very transparent and probably acts to protect the eye during swimming, just like a pair of goggles.

I keep telling myself not to dwell on the doings of the Honourable Member of Halton, Ont — but everyday I find myself clicking on garth.ca for his latest rant and for the latest news on how the CPC is thwarting the will of the Halton Conservative Riding Association. To paraphrase a character in Don Delillo’s White Noise — the art of getting ahead in politics is based on learning how to express dissatisfaction in an interesting way. Mr. Turner has learned that lesson exceedingly well. And so, last Friday, when he happened to be speaking at York University, what choice did I have but to go?

Garth wants parliamentary reform. He talks in glowing terms about digital democracy and virtual parliaments. Essentially he wants to use technology to bring constituents closer to their representatives, to push more decision-making power into the hands of voters through referendums. These may be lofty ideals but there are lots of nasty details to work out. He’s starting with two practical ideas, however: fighting for the right of independent MPs to issue tax receipts for campaign contributions and pushing for a reform that would allow independent MPs to sit on parliamentary committees. Anything that can be done to put independent MPs on an equal footing with established parties is worth fighting for and Mr. Turner’s efforts are certainly getting noticed. We learned that his website is garnering some 1500 emails per day from all across this country. We also learned that the PMO has created a full-time position to monitor the political whereabouts of Garth Turner. Talk about your Fear and Trembling in Ottawa (by Harper S. Kierkegaard?).

The room wasn’t particularly crowded but a number of York professors monopolized the floor and peppered Mr. Turner with questions on the minutiae of digital democracy and referendums. When the Honourable member suggested it would be better to let voters decide issues such as stem cell research, abortion and gay marriage, one prof demanded to know why populist politicians only wanted to allow referendums on “divisive, right wing issues”. Why not ask the people to weigh in on economic issues as well, he demanded, and then asked the audience: “Who wants to raise the minimum wage to $10/hour?” As you might expect, the room erupted with applause and Garth was a little taken aback — but only a little. Why not hold a plebiscite to legalize astral flying, I muttered to myself. To me, the problem with radical populism is that it heightens the tension between the easy answers that we all want and the hard choices that have to be made. We saw this when Mr. Turner “went to the people” with a series of town hall meetings to see what he should do after being ousted from the Conservative Caucus. He could not get a clear and decisive answer from his constituency and he wavered for for days before deciding to sit as an independent.

Anyhow, I did manage to get one question in edgewise. I reminded Mr. Turner that although many in his riding wanted him to sit as an independent, a large number also wanted him to become a Green. Then I asked if he would consider accommodating both camps by joining the GPC while continuing to sit in the House as an independent. Sure, it would merely be a symbolic gesture, but one that just might help Elizabeth May win the London bi-election. He merely smiled and reminded us that his grandfather was a “Liberal Conservative” MP who traveled to Ottawa on horseback twice a year and that he’d like to see more crossover between party lines in Ottawa. Sure. Whatever. Even if Mr. Turner was unwilling to commit to the Greens as a card carrying member, he deserves full marks for spending quality time campaigning with Ms. May in London last week. I wish him well, but that’s enough Garth for a while.