The PenOpticon

One of strangest stories of the week has got to be the take-down of a 50-foot home-made submarine that was laden with 3 tons of cocaine. According to an Associated Press report, the vessel, which was made of fiberglass and wood was spotted cruising at 7 mph, while submerged just 6-feet under the surface. Four “crew” were found inside, breathing through plastic pipes which poked up out of the water. The craft was found near Cocos Island, some 550 km from Costa Rica.

Amazingly, this is not the first time home-made subs have been used to transport illegal drugs. Last August, an empty 33-foot long craft was found floating off the coast of Spain. In March, the Columbian navy seized a 60-foot long submarine that was used to carry drugs north along the Pacific coast. And, finally, in December 2005, Columbian police discovered a half-built submarine in a warehouse in the capital Bogota. Hmmm. Why would anyone build a 30-metre sub in a city that is 2,250 metres above sea level. This one was found with a stack of Russian documents and was guarded by closed circuit TV cameras.

Now where would such a crazy idea come from? In 2001, Sturla Gunnarsson directed a small gem of a film called Rare Birds, staring William Hurt, Andy Jones and Molly Parker. If you like birds, you’ll love this film. If the mere concept of birders and birding puts you off, you may enjoy this movie even more. One of the film’s deliciously crazy subplots involves Andy Jone’s character, Phonce. He plays an eccentric inventor with an underground workshop that contains at least half a ton of salvaged cocaine and the recreational submarine he has been building for years. Phonce is finally ready to test the sub — he just needs William Hurt to stumble onto the scene to become a co-conspirator.

So there you have it: cocaine and submarines. Another great Canadian idea. It’s a fact.

For the past week or so, I’ve been visiting a family of Hooded Mergansers at Stong Pond, in the middle of York University’s Keele Campus. You can walk around and around the pond to get a closer view, but these guys will calmly move to the opposite side to keep a safe distance from anyone with a camera. Even when geese and mallards crash and slosh around in the same pond, these tough ducks just mosey along in a zen-like state. I’m not sure how tasty the fish in Stong Pond are, but these ducks spend quite a bit of time under water, looking for food. According to the Cornell ornithological lab:

The Hooded Merganser finds its prey underwater by sight. The merganser can actually change the refractive properties of its eyes to enhance its underwater vision. In addition, the nictating membrane (third eyelid) is very transparent and probably acts to protect the eye during swimming, just like a pair of goggles.

I keep telling myself not to dwell on the doings of the Honourable Member of Halton, Ont — but everyday I find myself clicking on garth.ca for his latest rant and for the latest news on how the CPC is thwarting the will of the Halton Conservative Riding Association. To paraphrase a character in Don Delillo’s White Noise — the art of getting ahead in politics is based on learning how to express dissatisfaction in an interesting way. Mr. Turner has learned that lesson exceedingly well. And so, last Friday, when he happened to be speaking at York University, what choice did I have but to go?

Garth wants parliamentary reform. He talks in glowing terms about digital democracy and virtual parliaments. Essentially he wants to use technology to bring constituents closer to their representatives, to push more decision-making power into the hands of voters through referendums. These may be lofty ideals but there are lots of nasty details to work out. He’s starting with two practical ideas, however: fighting for the right of independent MPs to issue tax receipts for campaign contributions and pushing for a reform that would allow independent MPs to sit on parliamentary committees. Anything that can be done to put independent MPs on an equal footing with established parties is worth fighting for and Mr. Turner’s efforts are certainly getting noticed. We learned that his website is garnering some 1500 emails per day from all across this country. We also learned that the PMO has created a full-time position to monitor the political whereabouts of Garth Turner. Talk about your Fear and Trembling in Ottawa (by Harper S. Kierkegaard?).

The room wasn’t particularly crowded but a number of York professors monopolized the floor and peppered Mr. Turner with questions on the minutiae of digital democracy and referendums. When the Honourable member suggested it would be better to let voters decide issues such as stem cell research, abortion and gay marriage, one prof demanded to know why populist politicians only wanted to allow referendums on “divisive, right wing issues”. Why not ask the people to weigh in on economic issues as well, he demanded, and then asked the audience: “Who wants to raise the minimum wage to $10/hour?” As you might expect, the room erupted with applause and Garth was a little taken aback — but only a little. Why not hold a plebiscite to legalize astral flying, I muttered to myself. To me, the problem with radical populism is that it heightens the tension between the easy answers that we all want and the hard choices that have to be made. We saw this when Mr. Turner “went to the people” with a series of town hall meetings to see what he should do after being ousted from the Conservative Caucus. He could not get a clear and decisive answer from his constituency and he wavered for for days before deciding to sit as an independent.

Anyhow, I did manage to get one question in edgewise. I reminded Mr. Turner that although many in his riding wanted him to sit as an independent, a large number also wanted him to become a Green. Then I asked if he would consider accommodating both camps by joining the GPC while continuing to sit in the House as an independent. Sure, it would merely be a symbolic gesture, but one that just might help Elizabeth May win the London bi-election. He merely smiled and reminded us that his grandfather was a “Liberal Conservative” MP who traveled to Ottawa on horseback twice a year and that he’d like to see more crossover between party lines in Ottawa. Sure. Whatever. Even if Mr. Turner was unwilling to commit to the Greens as a card carrying member, he deserves full marks for spending quality time campaigning with Ms. May in London last week. I wish him well, but that’s enough Garth for a while.