The PenOpticon

Apparently Chinese scientists have "succeeded" in implanting electrodes into the brains of pigeons in order to  remotely control their flight. Does this mean we should now be wary of pigeons carrying cameras or tiny pieces of plutonium?  Is that white splotch on your shoulder pigeon shit or anthrax? Scary stuff.

But can we even trust the authenticity of this particular atrocity? After all, this Xinhua news agency story was fed to Reuters, filtered into English, bounced 10 thousand miles around the planet and then regurgitated in CNN's "Offbeat News" feed.  If true, this momentous leap for science took place at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Centre at Shandong University of Science and Technology. There is even a quote from the lead 12-year-old animal torturer/scientist:

"It's the first such successful experiment on a pigeon in the world," Xinhua quoted the center's chief scientist, Su Xuecheng, as saying. 

Perhaps this misguided, waste of time is a symbol of what is going on in China these days: rampant pollution, out of control growth, human rights abuses, a tanking stock market. Maybe I don't really believe that — I'm just goofing around. China is a big, complex place, with plenty of scientific resources that can be used for good as well as for sci-fi horror purposes. Perhaps the Chinese were just responding to America's own efforts in the remote-controlled animal race. A casual Google search for "American remote-controlled animals" yields this website, a site which details that country's long and checkered history of using remote-controlled "spy animals" for combat and national security. An excerpt:

The American spy cow is the newest addition to a series of radio controlled robotic farm animals which were developed by Armorobotech Weapons, Inc. for the US Army's Military Farm Animal Operations Program or MFAOP to innocently walk into enemy territory where they would be mistaken for real harmless farm animals. The program was first used during the gulf war when explosive chickens were used to attack people and buildings in enemy cities. After the war MFAOP was used by the FBI to track down and chase dangerous criminals. In 1994 a mechanical race horse chased a convicted murderer from the scene of a fatal hostage situation for an hour and a half before he finally collapsed from exhaustion. The Animals were also used for rescue purposes. In 1993 a team of 5 Mechanical Ducks rescued a five year old from the raging waters during the Great Mississippi River Flood. After the Oklahoma City bombing skinny tom cats were used to search through the rubble for survivors. Since the Gulf war 42 different species of farm animals have been developed for various uses. 

Clearly, American science has been quite creative in putting remote-controlled animals to work. In contrast, the Chinese report "did not specify what practical uses the scientists saw for the remote-controlled pigeons". May I humbly suggest there can only be two uses for this technology: fiction and satire. And I'm afraid that when it comes to remote-controlled animals, the Yanks may well be winning the satirical race.

I'm a loyal rider and supporter of York Region's VIVA Transit system . I spend at least 2 hours a day on these fast, (mostly) efficient buses. Most of the fleet now includes an LCD TV display at the front of each bus.  It used to be easy to ignore these things (they were turned off much of the time), but over the past few weeks, the incessant, mindless, insulting crap that flickers over VIVA TV is really starting to bug me.  This stream of shite appears to be downloaded over a wireless internet connection and played back in a continuous loop using Windows-based display software. As shown in Exhibit A and B, you get the time, weather, scrolling headlines of "celebrity" gossip and any other headline that includes the word "sex", "scandal" or "explosion" in it.  Apparently we are all dying to know about the lunatic antics of Brangelina, Tomkat, Spears and Hilton, et al.

VIVA and byt^emedia (what dat?) have made a terrible marketing blunder here. Most of the time, most riders simply ignore these obnoxious flickerings. And for those few who mistakenly look up, much of the time, that screen will have already crashed with a Blue Screen of Death, or entered a perpetual reboot & crash cycle. So, it would be best for riders and the VIVA marketing geniuses to just get rid of these things now – it would free up some bandwidth so passengers could check their email, browse the web — or blog their brains out. If you VIVA suits still believe that riders can't survive without the boob tube, at least give us BBC World, or CBC's Newsworld, or CNN. I just don't want to hear about Paris Hilton's latest involuntary gyrations or Tomkat's wonky dance moves.

It's time to torpedo this horrible experiment.  

The "407", that notorious ribbon of concrete and crash barriers that slices across the northern half of Toronto has really done it now.  The 407 ETR marketing types have introduced a "loyalty program" that rewards people for driving more.  To paraphrase their own lame slogan: Ladies and gentleman… start your fossil fuel, greenhouse gas-emitting engines. Drive at least 400 KM a month during the six-month "qualifying period" and you could win yourself some free kilometers. As the world slowly wakes up to the reality of global warming, the 407 geniuses want to pay you to stay asleep at the wheel and drive like there's no tomorrow. Way to go 407. Idiots.

On the other hand, at least the 407 ETR suits are honest about what they are doing. In reality their approach is not all that different from thousands of "green" marketing schemes — like airlines that encourage flyers to pay an extra green tax to make up for the tens of thousands of gallons of jet fuel they are about to ignite in the upper atmosphere. Captain: "We'll burn 183,380 litres of fuel on this flight". Passenger: "Well then, here's 20 bucks. Go plant a tree".

For too long we have allowed corporate interests to appropriate Green as a mere marketing ploy. Do you buy the unbleached coffee filters? Do you heave a sigh of relief when the 60-inch big screen TV arrives wrapped in recycled cardboard (while ignoring the 20 pounds of packing foam)? Do you pay the extra 10 cents a litre for clean gasoline?  If only these token gestures could actually save the place. 

Sadly, the emptiness and dishonesty of these schemes is just a corporate reflection of the established Liberal<=>Conservative (they are interchangeable) political establishment. Any politician who can look people in the eye and bleat about "sustainable development" in a country with high immigration, dwindling fresh water, dwindling air quality and rapid soil depletion is full of CO_{2 (or some slimy, toxic effluent).}