The PenOpticon

YOU know the trouble with movies in America these days? There just aren’t enough ways to see them. That’s what David Pogue said about the debut of MovieBeam in today’s New York Times. The service allows subscribers to watch up to 8 new movies every week for $4 a pop. Movies are automatically downloaded to a $200 set-top box (purchased separately) which can store up to 100 movies. The innovative part is that MovieBeam videos are downloaded over the air — not through your already-busy internet connection. The digital content is actually piggybacked over PBS television signals in major American markets. New flicks are delivered each week and old ones are automatically pushed into the bit bucket. In case you are not completely sold yet, you should know that the MovieBeam set-top box must also be connected to a telephone jack so that it can periodically dial an 800 number to upload the titles you watched for billing purposes.

It’s hard to know if the MovieBeam business plan will succeed, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. If the service does turn out to generate nothing but negative shareholder value, I humbly offer the following digital movie rental business models:

RadTV – this company piggybacks over regular FM radio signals to deliver movies. You simply tune 5 household FM radios to 5 different local stations and pipe them all into a RadTV digital box. Movies are piggybacked over FM signals, much like MoonBeam. Note that the RadTV box must also be connected to your cable or DSL connection for billing purposes.

MicroWaveTV — is a specially designed LCD monitor that replaces your current microwave door. The device makes use of your microwave’s magnetron antenna to recieve digital signals from MicroWaveTV vans which will soon be slowly cruising the streets of your community. These vans will double as broadcast centers and Point-of-Sale locations. To purchase a movie, you must buy a special MicroWaveTV frozen dinner or dessert (or popcorn) which contains the single-use digital key needed to unlock the signal. Now you can heat your cake and watch it at the same time.

CordlessPhoneTV – You’ll need eight standard 2.4 GHz cordless phone handsets to make this one work. Set each phone to a different channel and place them all in the numbered cradles atop the CordlessPhoneTV digial box. Movie content is piggybacked over cordless phone signals and then downloaded to a refurbished MoonBeam set-top box. Let’s hope you and your neighbors have the same taste in movies.

CableJockeyTV — not exactly legit, but this system provides a 976 number you can dial to arrange for a CableJockey to come to your neighborhood and temporarily re-arrange cable connections so you can watch the movies YOU WANT using your neighbor’s connection. Billing is a simple as dialing. No set-top box required.

Woe is us. A few weeks ago Skyler Bartels had an idea. The Des Moins, Iowa college student decided he would inspire himself as a writer by spending a week in the bowels of a 24×7 Wal-Mart. Fitted out with only with a debit card and a toothbrush, Bartels was consumed by Wal-Mart for a mere 41 hours before he was spit back out for a second chance at life. This story is remarkable precisely because it is not a story at all, though it has been replicated in hundreds of news outlets around the globe. Even Bartels remarked that he thought the exercise was a failure until he spoke to the Des Moines Register. And then the networks began to call. As did National Public Radio. And a book agent. And a film company. So was the Wal-Mart experiment a success? Can Bartels take his rightful place within the celebrity pantheon because during March Break he spent 41 hours in a store, watched Chicken Run and took a nap in the garden center? Or was it a failure because it was inane, pointless and boring? Or will it be considered a success if it engenders a book or a movie or an interview with Oprah? If Bartels’ stunt can be compared to placing a canary in a coal mine, it appears that he survived this 41-hour ordeal quite nicely. However, the fact that such an an experiment was even attempted is proof that something vital in us has failed and may already be dying. Or dead. So woe is us. And woe is U.S.