The PenOpticon

Apparently Chinese scientists have "succeeded" in implanting electrodes into the brains of pigeons in order to  remotely control their flight. Does this mean we should now be wary of pigeons carrying cameras or tiny pieces of plutonium?  Is that white splotch on your shoulder pigeon shit or anthrax? Scary stuff.

But can we even trust the authenticity of this particular atrocity? After all, this Xinhua news agency story was fed to Reuters, filtered into English, bounced 10 thousand miles around the planet and then regurgitated in CNN's "Offbeat News" feed.  If true, this momentous leap for science took place at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Centre at Shandong University of Science and Technology. There is even a quote from the lead 12-year-old animal torturer/scientist:

"It's the first such successful experiment on a pigeon in the world," Xinhua quoted the center's chief scientist, Su Xuecheng, as saying. 

Perhaps this misguided, waste of time is a symbol of what is going on in China these days: rampant pollution, out of control growth, human rights abuses, a tanking stock market. Maybe I don't really believe that — I'm just goofing around. China is a big, complex place, with plenty of scientific resources that can be used for good as well as for sci-fi horror purposes. Perhaps the Chinese were just responding to America's own efforts in the remote-controlled animal race. A casual Google search for "American remote-controlled animals" yields this website, a site which details that country's long and checkered history of using remote-controlled "spy animals" for combat and national security. An excerpt:

The American spy cow is the newest addition to a series of radio controlled robotic farm animals which were developed by Armorobotech Weapons, Inc. for the US Army's Military Farm Animal Operations Program or MFAOP to innocently walk into enemy territory where they would be mistaken for real harmless farm animals. The program was first used during the gulf war when explosive chickens were used to attack people and buildings in enemy cities. After the war MFAOP was used by the FBI to track down and chase dangerous criminals. In 1994 a mechanical race horse chased a convicted murderer from the scene of a fatal hostage situation for an hour and a half before he finally collapsed from exhaustion. The Animals were also used for rescue purposes. In 1993 a team of 5 Mechanical Ducks rescued a five year old from the raging waters during the Great Mississippi River Flood. After the Oklahoma City bombing skinny tom cats were used to search through the rubble for survivors. Since the Gulf war 42 different species of farm animals have been developed for various uses. 

Clearly, American science has been quite creative in putting remote-controlled animals to work. In contrast, the Chinese report "did not specify what practical uses the scientists saw for the remote-controlled pigeons". May I humbly suggest there can only be two uses for this technology: fiction and satire. And I'm afraid that when it comes to remote-controlled animals, the Yanks may well be winning the satirical race.

I was prepared to happily ignore Apple’s new iPhone, but waking up this morning I was assaulted by the voice of CBC’s Metro Morning host, Andy Barrie, on the subject of Apple’s latest gadget.  Barrie and his guest, technology analyst Jesse Hirsh gushed endlessly over both Apple and the iPhone.  Even for Barrie, who never misses an opportunity to praise his collection Mac toys, this morning’s segment was bloody awful.  Have a listen, but it’ll make your teeth hurt.  To be fair, Hirsh subsequently blogged a more balanced assessment of the iPhone. Therein, he points out they will actually cost about $4000 after Rogers and the rest collect their monthly fees for two or three years.   In other words, cellular providers may profit more from this innovation than Apple will.

No doubt Apple’s new toy will quickly find its way into the meaty hands of every CEO in North America (Andy Barrie will probably snag one also).  But many others will balk at the cost — both the monthly service fees and the cost of breaking an existing contract in order to share in Apple’s chic.  On the otherhand, the iPhone may spark more innovation from Nokia and Motorola and may even force cell providers to slash bandwidth costs over time. If the planet survives another five years, the cellular phone landscape will look much different than it does today. If it comes about, Apple can certainly take some credit.

But for the moment, Cisco is suing Apple for trademark infringement. That may slow things down a little, but most likely Apple will prevail on this one. Someone on Slashdot suggested Apple rename it the iConn.  In response, I suggested any of following: iSpend, iJob, iSue, iHype, iTod, iSore, iBore, iScream.  I don’t think it will ever become the i Formerly Known as Phone, however. And if you consider yourself a "Mac person", it will always be an iPhone.

For the record — I don’t own a Mac or an iPod and will probably never own an iPhone. But the device is impressive. A boatload of elegant software embedded in a slick piece of hardware.  But I don’t need it, can’t afford it and would probably break or lose it if I had one.  It won’t cure cancer or diabetes or stop global warming, but that iPhone thingy is still a thing of beauty.  And it has a nice ring to it as well.