The PenOpticon

While perusing energy.buzz today, I learned that some SUV owners are so completely fed up with the cost of driving these behomoths they are cutting their losses by setting them on fire to collect hefty insurance settlements. It is shocking and sad to think these owners would commit insurance fraud — especially when it has only been a few months since the PenOpticon launched its widely acclaimed Save the SUVs campaign. Give it a chance people! Ya try to be helpful, but some folks just like to play with fire, I reckon. Anyhow, this was all news to me today, but it seems this story has been plastered across the net for a few weeks. Here is a smattering of stories covering this, um, burning issue:

Don’t set the car on fire yet
Disgruntled SUV owners torch trucks
SUV owners burn their own expensive vehicles

Whether it is better to immolate your SUV’s mortal ignition coil now or suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous gas prices for a few more years is a question that depends on your religious outlook. In other words, the burning question for some is “What would Jesus drive?”. This issue has been debated hotly ever since the Reverend Jim Ball launched the WWJD tour in 2003 and a group of happy-go-lucky (gruntled?) SUV enthusiasts countered by promoting their own personal Jesús Rivera (who drives an SUV). So it’s a complicated issue, I’m sure, but if you dig a little deeper, you may find this very helpful scholarly discussion of the topic. Me? I’ll stick with my million-dollar Viva limo for the foreseeable future.

…on March 23, 2003. The following is a memory, though only a few things have changed: Shock and Awe is history, though bombs are still exploding in Iraq; the local Krispy Kreme folded a year ago or so (good riddance); most days I hop on the VIVA (long may it run!). The intertwined issues of development, energy and transporation are just as perplexing as ever. Same as it ever was:

The morning after the Americans started dropping bombs on Iraq, I woke up to my daily conundrum: how to get to work. It sounds absurd. My life is ruled by routine in so many ways, but I can not settle on a single, preferred method of transporting my carcass to and from work. It all started four years ago when I turned in my parking permit after a price increase made busing more economical than parking. So now, depending on the time of year and the schedule of the day, I may take a bus, a bike, a train, a car, walk or rely on the kindness of friends. During the worst winter storms, I’m happy to share a taxi if one can be hired.

But on the morning after the Shock and Awe campaign began, I thought I might drive. I hadn’t started the old wreck for a few days, and was thinking about the fact that it was overdue for brake work. Braking was not going to be a problem though, because on this particular morning the engine cranked but would not catch. “No problem”, I decide, “I’ll hop on the Vaughan bus.” But as I close the car door I see the #4 pulling away from the corner. “No worries”, says I. “I’ll just walk up to Yonge and catch a GO bus south to Steeles.” Seven minutes later, I see the “C” bus crossing the Yonge and Major Mac intersection — the bus is kitty-corner to where I’m standing, waiting for the light to change. An SUV honks loudly and I’m startled to see an old Chinese man crossing against the red, causing the SUV to miss the left-turn arrow. The old man is stranded on the traffic island for a few minutes until the lights change once more. He seems relieved when the small tide of pedestrians, me among them, catches up. But the “C” bus is long gone by the time I get to the corner, so I decide to walk a few stops along Yonge until the next one shows up.

You can see a long way from the summit of Richmond Hill, but all I see is a continuous line of bumper-to-bumper tail lights snaking their way southward through the morning haze. I follow at a brisk pace, past Block Busters, past the Krispy Kreme where another line of cars idles and puffs in anticipation of coffee and sugar. Now my current plan is to hoof it to 16th Avenue and catch a Vaughan 85 bus west to Keele. The 85s don’t run as often however and I wait 15 minutes for the next one. But, it’s an 85A and only goes as far as Bathurst. The morning’s happy-go-lucky sheen is beginning to oxidize as I realize how late I’m going to be. I notice that i have subconsciously started counting the number of cars, vans and SUVs with just one occupant. If my car had only started, I know I would have counted myself among them. Mostly, I just want to get away from the noise and out of this air. I take two minutes respite at the closest Tim Horton’s and resolve to wait for the next “C” bus. It arrives within the minute and chugs down Yonge, lurching to a halt at every stop along the way.

As we bump along, I keep thinking about Iraq and North Korea, about oil and SUVs, water and the Oak Ridges Moraine, brown-outs and dozens of recently approved housing projects. I remember that the Pickering nuclear plant underwent an emergency shutdown on or about the same day our provincial government announced they would not recall the legislature. All of these items seem to be interwoven, but I can’t seem to make sense of it, can’t make the necessary connections. I’m too overwhelmed by a mental picture of the throbbing red arteries and veins of tail lights that flow in and out of this city every day. And when the Steeles West bus appears just as I step on to the sidewalk, it feels like the only thing that has connected all morning.

Now that the Hauptbahnhof – Berlin’s massive new central railway station — has opened — we North Americans should pause again to consider and lament the failings of our car and truck-based transportation infrastructure. After decades of enslavement to the automobile, it’s time we used the tax system to favour more efficient bus and rail technologies to get more single occupant vehicles off the streets.

One place to start would be to actually run the few trains that we do have. I live one city block from a GO transit train station. Unfortunately, that service only runs on weekdays (excluding holidays) and only runs during morning and afternoon rush hour. Rapid transit can work, but only if it is frequent, clean and efficient and treats people with respect by not packing them in like sardines. York Region’s new VIVA service comes close to this ideal, but some buses are still over-crowded and scheduling can be thrown off because of road congestion.

Anyhow, congratulations to the Germans for building a big shiny train station. I don’t know if North America can solve its transporation issues, but here are a few armchair solutions to ease gridlock and reduce emmissions. Some of these ideas are crazy — maybe crazy enough to actually work — though many people won’t like them:

• Increase gasoline tax increases to deliberately push the pump price up to at least $5 a litre.
• Introduce additional toll roads for all intercity routes.
• Introduce tolls for driving into the downtown cores of major cities (as London did).
• Use the above revenues to fund busways and support local rapid transit industries.
• Discourage intercity truck traffic with high tolls and licence fees and encourage rail instead.
• Encourage truck drivers to become bus drivers.
• Require that all new and reconstructed roads have bike lanes.
• Require that car makers design cars that take advantage of RFID and/or GPS technology so that cars are “aware” of the speed limit and can not exceed it.
• Raise the driving age to 18 or 19. This will give young people more reason to use other mdoes of transportation and get more cars of the road.

Maybe you have some crazier ideas on this?

Tired of stop and go traffic and all those red lights? You could do what Jason Niccum did. The Longmont, Colorado resident purchased an "Opticon*" from eBay for $100 (US) in order speed up his commute. The device emits the same kind of infra-red pulses that fire trucks and rescue vehicles use to make stop lights change during emergencies. Niccum was busted recently for interfering with traffic lights, but, after using the Opticon for 2 years, he may have gotten his money out of it — even with the $50 fine. His excuse, as reported by the police: "I’m always running late". Aren’t we all, Jason?

If you are still in a hurry, you could try propping up a HOV dummy in the front seat, although that approach didn’t work out well for Susan Aeschliman-Hill last month on Interstate 405 in Seattle. When she and her mannequin friend barged into the HOV lane by swerving in front of a school bus, they caused a multi-vehicle accident that injured 12 people. Yikes.

Perhaps Jason and Susan should think about car-pooling. Who knows? It could be a match made in heaven. And if it doesn’t work out, they can always opt for ‘his and hers’ flying scooters. Even that sounds safer than driving with a dummy in the front seat. Me? I’m still getting around on my trusty VIVA bus (my million dollar limo) and bicycles (when the legs feel up to it).

The PenOpticon Limo!* N.B. This PenOpticon has nothing to do with the "Opticon" that Jason Niccum was using.