But can we even trust the authenticity of this particular atrocity? After all, this Xinhua news agency story was fed to Reuters, filtered into English, bounced 10 thousand miles around the planet and then regurgitated in CNN's "Offbeat News" feed.  If true, this momentous leap for science took place at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Centre at Shandong University of Science and Technology. There is even a quote from the lead 12-year-old animal torturer/scientist:

"It's the first such successful experiment on a pigeon in the world," Xinhua quoted the center's chief scientist, Su Xuecheng, as saying. 

Perhaps this misguided, waste of time is a symbol of what is going on in China these days: rampant pollution, out of control growth, human rights abuses, a tanking stock market. Maybe I don't really believe that — I'm just goofing around. China is a big, complex place, with plenty of scientific resources that can be used for good as well as for sci-fi horror purposes. Perhaps the Chinese were just responding to America's own efforts in the remote-controlled animal race. A casual Google search for "American remote-controlled animals" yields this website, a site which details that country's long and checkered history of using remote-controlled "spy animals" for combat and national security. An excerpt:

The American spy cow is the newest addition to a series of radio controlled robotic farm animals which were developed by Armorobotech Weapons, Inc. for the US Army's Military Farm Animal Operations Program or MFAOP to innocently walk into enemy territory where they would be mistaken for real harmless farm animals. The program was first used during the gulf war when explosive chickens were used to attack people and buildings in enemy cities. After the war MFAOP was used by the FBI to track down and chase dangerous criminals. In 1994 a mechanical race horse chased a convicted murderer from the scene of a fatal hostage situation for an hour and a half before he finally collapsed from exhaustion. The Animals were also used for rescue purposes. In 1993 a team of 5 Mechanical Ducks rescued a five year old from the raging waters during the Great Mississippi River Flood. After the Oklahoma City bombing skinny tom cats were used to search through the rubble for survivors. Since the Gulf war 42 different species of farm animals have been developed for various uses. 

Clearly, American science has been quite creative in putting remote-controlled animals to work. In contrast, the Chinese report "did not specify what practical uses the scientists saw for the remote-controlled pigeons". May I humbly suggest there can only be two uses for this technology: fiction and satire. And I'm afraid that when it comes to remote-controlled animals, the Yanks may well be winning the satirical race.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzf8q9QHfhI[/video]

From the looks of it, Mr.Deity, deserves to become an ongoing series, though so far there are just four episodes on YouTube. Between The Daily Show’s "This Week" in God and our collective memory of  Dana Carve’s Church Lady, I don’t know  if the world of Godless Secular Humanist comedy can find room for Mr. Deity’s cosmic humour. But it should.

• Robots may soon demand independence
• Typo lands tourist 8,000 miles from destination
• Snow for sale on eBay

On the other hand, Jesus doesn’t make the news on CNN as often as Britney or Paris, so I suppose when the Saviour of the World appears in the gnarled bark of a tree in Florida, we really need to know about it.  Besides, it seems Jesus really likes trees (as long as you forgive Him for that odd fig tree cursing episode). In recent years, the Lord has been seen in a silver maple in Rochester, New York. He has appeared in a big ‘ole tree in Milwaukee and also in an old growth tree in Quincy, Illinois.  Since this is a world tour, you can also find Christ in Sussex, England, grimacing from the bark of  a Burgess Hill Hawthorn tree.  It’s difficult to keep up with the Lord’s travel schedule, although the "Look! It’s Jesus" folks gave it a good try a few years back.

For the record, I have never seen Jesus in a tree and don’t expect to, but there is a wonderful place (ironically situated next to Ontario’s Pickering Nuclear Generating Station called Home Place. Home Place was created by Pickering artist, Dorsey James and features numerous tree faces and animal carvings from mythology and nature. I took these photos a few years ago when we happened upon them unexpectedly. It was a revelation!

Whose Lying in State Now?

The death of Gerald Ford is probably a more extreme example, because Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush senior got their first big political breaks while working for him. And so the praises pour forth:

• President Bush’s father called Mr. Ford “a Norman Rockwell painting come to life”
• Tom Brokaw, the former television anchor, described “Citizen Ford” as a “champion of Main Street values”
• Henry A. Kissinger said the man he served as secretary of state “had the virtues of small-town America.”

Now, I’m sure Ford was a nice guy. After all, he helped get Canada into the G8 club and put the wheels in motion to grant amnesty to American draft dodgers. I’m not so sure pardoning Nixon was such a good idea, but that’s just the kinda guy he was — unless there really was a deal to let Nixon off the hook in exchange for his sudden departure (and Ford’s rapid promotion).  But Gerald and Betty Ford were complicated people. They claimed to have welcomed gays into the Republican fold and to support pro-choice and gay marriage. I wonder if George W was thinking about such things when recently uttered these words:

"Gerald Ford distinguished himself as a man of integrity and selfless dedication," Bush said. "He always put the needs of his country before his own, and did what he thought was right, even when those decisions were unpopular. Only years later would Americans come to fully appreciate the foresight and wisdom of this good man."

No doubt Bush was sincere in his praise, but he may also have been grasping at Ford’s glory, hoping to rub some of that "foresight and wisdom" onto his own hind end.

That’s such a cynical, horrible thought to have so early in the new year (though not as cheerless as Pat Robertson’s recent prognostications about an unpleasant "I’m not necessarily saying it’s going to be nuclear" 2007).  Still, I think I’ve lost my faith in the sanctity of a good ‘ole state funeral.  After all, in the U.S., such events tend to occur at the "Washington National Cathedral",a  structure whose very name rings with officialdom (as if it is run by the U.S. Dept. of Religious Affairs).  While I did just make that up, I did not make up the fact that that this church features a gargoyle carved in the likeness of Darth Vader. What is that about?  An apolitical ploy to get children to come to church or a not-so-veiled reference to Ronald Reagan’s original Star Wars program?  I’m not sure what George Lucas thinks about carving Darth Vader’s head on the Washinton National Cathedral, but it ought be a crime to exploit the dead for quick political gain. Even a man as magnanimous as Gerald Ford might not be willing to pardon someone who is guilty of that crime.

On the Northern Afront

It turns out there are currently three remaining Canadian veterans of the first world war still living, all of them over 105 years old. The Canadian government recently approved a plan to hold a state funeral for the last one to survive. But it turns out that none of the three survivors want to be part of a political circus. I salute and commend Lloyd Clemett (106 years of age), John Babcock (106 years of age) and Dwight Wilson (105 years of age) for their wisdom in this matter. I do remember meeting WWI veterans at a Remembrance Day service in public school many years ago. I had no understanding of that war (and not much more to this day), but I was in awe of those old warriors who stood straight and proud on that cold November day.

Considering that Stephen Harper’s last "tribute" to Canada’s veterans looks more like a propaganda/recruitment video,  our remaining WWI veterans are right to stay clear of Harper’s media machine. They fought for freedom all those years ago, let them enjoy it.

But Borat is pushing more than American buttons. Apparently Kazakhstan may sue the makers of the movie because of its negative portrayal of that country. Russia may ban it completely. Meanwhile a Turkish web star claims to to be the inspiration for Borat’s character and wants recognition and cash. To bring the surreality of this film full circle, several American frat boys who make racist and sexist comments in the movie are now suing to have their scenes cut. It’s only a movie boys — we’ve already forgotten you.

So what is Borat really trying to tell us? Clearly, the movie is very unkind to the good people of Kazakhstan, but the racial humor is so over the top that no one can take it seriously. On the other hand, as a work of satire, Borat barely scratches the comedic surface of American “Cultural Learning” and in the end it fails to challenge the over-protected, over-medicated, self-indulgent, hyper-consuming society in which we live. Except for this: in the middle of a fancy dinner party Borat excuses himself to use the washroom and then returns dangling a plastic bag containing his own feces. Earlier in the movie he defecates in a public garden in Manhattan. What’s really going on here? Both literally and figuratively it seems that Borat is shitting on America — and audiences are eating it up. So don’t sweat the small stuff of Borat’s insults, Kazakhstan — you got off easy.

Of course nothing about this movie is really all that easy. Borat does make it back home after all and he brings part of America home with him: a new iPod and a new wife. So we end the movie with a flourish of cultural globalization and a cute product placement for Apple?

Please can me help make a learning about this movie, Borat? I have feeling it is not getting me.

Samantha Bee knocked one out of the park tonight in her Daily Show report on good ol’ Joe Lieberman’s defeat in the Connecticut primary. In her droll way, she articulated the rage of millions of Americans who see the war in Iraq for the sham that it is. She may be Canadian, but Samantha has become Auntie Sam for a lot of Americans. She compared Lieberman’s refusal to admit defeat to male stalking, saying “We just don’t want to go out with you anymore, Joe”. However, Bee’s line of the evening was a riff on the Sherman Statement: “If not nominated, he will run. If not elected, he will serve.” She even suggested that if he loses his seat, he’ll go so far as to form his own Senate. Ouch!

Not to be left out, Tony Blair roared into port piloting a 200-foot hydrofoil and began pulling pasty-white Brits aboard the vessel. Blair was determined to make this one of his finest hours and raced against time in order to both save English tourists and raise his own poll numbers. His face remained locked somewhere between a grin and a grimace as he glad-handed the multitude and maneuvered them into every corner of the ship he could find.

Meanwhile, the Bushes fumed as a Norwegian cruise ship absconded with 300 of their own people, while they were getting rid of munitions. “Don’t collaterally damage any Americans” Laura chided. Her voice prickled down his spine as he breathed the stench of freshly fired weaponry. Smiling, he loaded another shell and yelled “boom” as he fired. He loved the way Laura chided him. As the Norwegians passed by, they heard a throng of voices calling out for “Food! Food!” and “Water! Water!” George yelled down to the galley and asked if the chicken sandwiches were ready yet? “They sure are!” said the cooks and Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld brought out two huge boxes of individually wrapped sandwiches. Bush grabbed them and started jogging down the deck of the ship until he was alongside the Norwegian. He looked down over the hungry crowd below and wondered if there would be enough to go around. “Heh heh heh heh! Them sangwiches is for ‘Mericans only” he shouted. And then he watched the crowd clamor for the food he had given them, while angry voices yelled “For Americans only! Show your passports! Show your passports!”

Dick Cheney was on the bridge scanning the sea and noticed something in the water coming straight at them. He raised his trusty Remington full choke 12 gauge and had a bead on the craft in no time. “Torpedah?” asked the President. “Jet ski” grumbled Cheney as he fired off a few rounds at it “just ‘cuz”. An aide whispered in the President’s ear, “Sir, that’s Stockwell Day, the Canadian minister of Foreign Affairs.” “Stocky!” the President bellowed, “whatchy’all doin’ on that SeaDo in the middle of this here ocean”? Day smiled and tried to speak, but he was going too fast and the noise of the Jet ski was deafening. “Is that you Coop?” Bush asked. And it was. Anderson Cooper was holding on to Day for dear life, while another reporter, the Toronto Sun’s own Christie Blatchford snaked her arms around the CNN reporter’s waist. Stockwell Day bit his lip with determination and made a beeline toward Ottawa where he hoped these two would join a larger throng of reporters who would pepper him easy questions that he would heroically answer.

And so it was that thousands of upstanding taxpayers (and potential poll-skewing voters) navigated their way through a few afternoons of hot sun and a few late meals and left Lebanon to be leveled again by Israeli soldiers armed with American weapons and money. Because they were too busy helping evacuee’s on the ground, G8 leaders could not be taken to task for giving their tacit approval to Israel for “over-reacting” to the Israeli invasion. While debate raged over who should pay for this evacuation, not one leader suggested that Israel be made to pay for the reconstruction of Lebanon. Stephen Harper sulked in Limasol and mulled these questions silently, far away from reporters who might have asked why he did not even bother to express outrage that Israel murdered eight Canadians during its “meausured” bombing of Beirut. Condoleezza and Rummy continued to make a new batch of chicken Sandwiches and Kool-Aid. At the end of the day, they all hoisted their glasses, drank the Kool-Aid and felt the unreality of the latest war recede into a starless night. They drank deeply and purple waves of moral certitude flowed like cool, clean water through their veins. We did the right thing, they insisted. It was a “measured” response, they added. We stayed on message, they cried. We did everything possible, they wondered? But resistance is futile, they slurrred, and took another swig of that most mysterious political Kool-Aid.

Don’t set the car on fire yet
Disgruntled SUV owners torch trucks
SUV owners burn their own expensive vehicles

Whether it is better to immolate your SUV’s mortal ignition coil now or suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous gas prices for a few more years is a question that depends on your religious outlook. In other words, the burning question for some is “What would Jesus drive?”. This issue has been debated hotly ever since the Reverend Jim Ball launched the WWJD tour in 2003 and a group of happy-go-lucky (gruntled?) SUV enthusiasts countered by promoting their own personal Jesús Rivera (who drives an SUV). So it’s a complicated issue, I’m sure, but if you dig a little deeper, you may find this very helpful scholarly discussion of the topic. Me? I’ll stick with my million-dollar Viva limo for the foreseeable future.

I dunno what God wanted me to do, so I sure wouldn’t presume to tell other consenting adults who they can or can not marry. Straight? Yup. Gay? Nope. Lesbian? Nope. Transgendered? Hmmm. What are they supposed to do, George? Two-spirited? If you insist on some sort of Biblical foundation, I do know that people who have read that stuff (more thoroughly than I ever will) have identified three sames-sex relationships between its covers. Others have pointed out that at least eight distinct forms of marriage occur in the Old and New Testaments. It’s a wild and crazy world George — not unlike the animal world, where same-sex relationships abound.

Anyhow, this issue is smeared all over the entire infearmation highway — and there is no escape, so you may as well enjoy it. You might relax a little with a look at the Politics TV Report on GOP sexual hypocrisy. Those guys are right on: Bush just wants y’all to stare into his googly eyes and get all mesmerized over same-sex marriage so you’ll forget about those pesky problems mentioned in paragraph one. And guess which North American Prime Minister wants to re-open the same debate in the Fall of 2006?

As George Clooney cooly remarks in O Brother Where Art Thou: “We’re in a tight spot now boys. We’re in a tight spot now”. Health care crisis. Rogue nuclear states. Darfur. Pharmaceuticals and hormone disrupters in the water…

It’s hard to know if the MovieBeam business plan will succeed, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. If the service does turn out to generate nothing but negative shareholder value, I humbly offer the following digital movie rental business models:

RadTV – this company piggybacks over regular FM radio signals to deliver movies. You simply tune 5 household FM radios to 5 different local stations and pipe them all into a RadTV digital box. Movies are piggybacked over FM signals, much like MoonBeam. Note that the RadTV box must also be connected to your cable or DSL connection for billing purposes.

MicroWaveTV — is a specially designed LCD monitor that replaces your current microwave door. The device makes use of your microwave’s magnetron antenna to recieve digital signals from MicroWaveTV vans which will soon be slowly cruising the streets of your community. These vans will double as broadcast centers and Point-of-Sale locations. To purchase a movie, you must buy a special MicroWaveTV frozen dinner or dessert (or popcorn) which contains the single-use digital key needed to unlock the signal. Now you can heat your cake and watch it at the same time.

CordlessPhoneTV – You’ll need eight standard 2.4 GHz cordless phone handsets to make this one work. Set each phone to a different channel and place them all in the numbered cradles atop the CordlessPhoneTV digial box. Movie content is piggybacked over cordless phone signals and then downloaded to a refurbished MoonBeam set-top box. Let’s hope you and your neighbors have the same taste in movies.

CableJockeyTV — not exactly legit, but this system provides a 976 number you can dial to arrange for a CableJockey to come to your neighborhood and temporarily re-arrange cable connections so you can watch the movies YOU WANT using your neighbor’s connection. Billing is a simple as dialing. No set-top box required.